


Not Everyone Who Works for the Government's a Lizard Person

by eversincewebrent



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Drinking, FBI Agent AU, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Office, Partying, Stalking, Webcams, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 04:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversincewebrent/pseuds/eversincewebrent
Summary: FBI Agent AU. That's it.





	Not Everyone Who Works for the Government's a Lizard Person

**Author's Note:**

> alrightwell someone had to write this and i guess im the chosen one
> 
> im PRETTY sure im the first one to write an fbi agent au
> 
> i got way too into this 
> 
> i didnt MEAN to write this for valentines day but like. its here on time so were just gonna say i wrote it for valentines day
> 
> anyways i wrote this all in a night so enjoy xox

Brendon spun around in front of his mirror, trying to figure out which button-up would be best for a job interview. So far, he’d gone through a creme colored shirt, a light blue one, and he was currently trying on a plain black shirt. He sighed, tossing the hanger to the side. Of course, the one day he needed input on his outfit the most, his computer broke. Huffing, he grabbed his phone, finally settling on the blue shirt. How the fuck was he supposed to get through the day without his laptop?

\----

Ryan was bored. Not just bored, Bored. It was a slow, slow, slow day for him in the Federal Bureau of Investigations. His usual observee wasn’t available today because his laptop broke. Again. Seriously, Ryan was tired of having to watch other people’s computers because Brendon didn’t pay attention to his computer until he heard a crunch under his feet. Ryan snapped out of his thoughts, fixing his eyes on the screen. Today he was assigned to watch some random guy (or longer than today) (seriously, Brendon better get his fucking laptop fixed soon, he wasn’t really big on watching old dudes jerk off onto their computer’s camera).

Just as he was ready to fall asleep on his desk, he felt someone slap him on the head. “Hey fucker.” One of these days, he was going to murder Jon. “Time to get lunch, wake the hell up,” Jon might as well have screamed in his ear. 

“God, shut the fuck up, not my fault this dude’s boring as hell. You better be buying.”

“Are you still bitchy you can’t stalk Brendon? At least he likes you. This chick I’ve been watching for over a year now still flips me off everyday,” Jon shakes his head just as the door opened, revealing their department head. Ryan turned his head, rolling his eyes. Jon smirked at back at him. Nobody liked the head, especially Ryan. Fuck Pete and his bullshit rules about “not communicating with who you’re watching”. Some people like to make friends, thank you very much. Granted, Ryan wasn’t one of those people, but. Still. Brendon was different

“Guys, you gotta fuck outta here. I really don’t wanna have to pay you two overtime,” Pete droned out. 

“You heard the man, move out, bitch!” Ryan scoffed. This was going to be a hell of a long day.

\----

“Finally, you’re fucking back!” Brendon exclaimed to his computer. He had a fleeting thought that not being able to think for himself was a trait that the government had wanted to instill in him, but he was too excited to see Ryan again to really dwell on it. When he went back to the repair shop half an hour prior, he hugged his laptop tightly, threw a few bills at the counter, and sprinted off with the computer safely in his arms. He may have had to run back to get his keys that he left and maybe actually pay more than the two dollars he left in the shop, but that’s irrelevant.

Brendon hoped Ryan missed him too. It’d been about a week since they’d.. seen.. each other, so maybe Ryan was just as hopeless without Brendon as Brendon was without Ryan. Maybe. Regardless, he flipped open the laptop, smiling into his front camera. The little window that showed Ryan’s face popped up, and he smiled even wider. “You missed so much. I mean, I didn’t get that job I was talking about, but you missed- uh. That’s about it.”

Ryan smiled on the other end of the chat. “You can always come get a job at the FBI agency with me,” he joked. 

“If I knew where it was,” Brendon groaned out. The other man had never told him where he lived or where he worked. It was part of their stupid “privacy policy” or some shit. If Brendon ran the FBI, he’d make sure everybody had access to the whereabouts of every FBI agent. Now that’s efficient. Either way, at least now he could see Ryan again.

Just as he was launching into his grand story about how he absolutely fucking bombed that interview, he heard another voice on Ryan’s end.  
“-yeah, yeah, restationed. Who knows, it could be y-“ Ryan turned to look at them, his smile faltering.

“Hold on, Bren, sorry, it’s important.” Brendon frowned. Ryan was ignoring him for his “job” again. Whatever, two can play at that game. He opened Google, typed in PornHub, and pulled up the grossest porn he could find. He turned the volume all the way up, and left the room to go watch TV.

\----

Ryan put his headphones down, giving Brendon an apologetic look. He got up out of his chair, tailing Jon. “The fuck you talking about, restationed?”

Jon smirked at him for probably the fourth time that day. “Listen to the briefings next time, Ross. Apparently with the election some people are gonna have to be moved around. Especially people who Pete thinks are getting ‘too attached’ to who they’re observing. You’ll be fine, though. Not like you even know Brendon’s last name,” he laughed out over his coffee. 

“Oh, fuck you. Don’t gotta be a dick about it.”

“It’s no fun if I can’t be a dick about it,” Jon pouted

\----

“I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong, Spence. He’s watched me jerk off before! He can’t just ignore me!” Brendon sighed. After days of having his laptop back, Ryan was still distant. Nothing he did was working, not even looking at weird poetic LiveJournal posts. 

However, Spencer didn’t even seem to care. “You’re probably the only person with that problem. If my agent left me alone for a while, I’d be fuckin’ thankful. Maybe he’s just busy. He does work at the FBI, you know.”

“Exactly! How busy can an FBI agent be?” Spencer gave him a blank look.

“Okay, well, I’m sure he’ll come around. It’s not like you two are dating or something.” Brendon averted his eyes. “Jesus Christ. How does that even work?”

“Well we’re not official.” 

“So are you saying you’re trying to seduce him?” Spencer questioned.

The older boy cringed. “I don’t know! Maybe? Like you said, how would that work? I really like him,” he rushed out. “He’s not allowed to be talking to me at all really.” Brendon rested his face in his palm. There’s so much stuff on his plate right now. He was approaching 23, he should at least have a stable job by now. He wanted to settle down. What the fuck was wrong with him?

“If he broke the rules once, who says he won’t go further? Are you sure he’s even into guys?”

“Spencer, dude, he said he writes poems. He wears scarves half the time. I didn’t even know you could wear scarves in his job! I’m definitely sure.”

Spencer shrugged, “There you have it then. Just get him to listen to you.”

“Okay, how the fuck do I go about doing that?”

Spencer grinned.

\----

Ryan groaned into his phone’s speaker, “No I won’t take over your shift, maybe you shouldn’t be so goddamn lazy.”

“C’mon man! How many times has I saved your ass from getting fired for talking to Brendon? It’s just one, small, important time! I can’t just ditch Cassie! We made plans!” Ryan could hear the frustration in Jon’s voice. Good. Let the bastard suffer. 

“Oh yeah, ‘cause you totally had my back when you mocked me about the stupid fuckin’ ‘Restationing’ thing. Fucker.”

“If you do this I swear I’ll never lie to you ever again. Even if it was funn-“

“Okay bitch! I’ll cover you! Just shut up before I change my mind,” Ryan sighed into the phone. Not like he had any other plans. “You owe me though, like, at least three dinners.”

“I’m flattered you want go on three dates with me. Can I pick you up at fiv-“ Ryan couldn’t’ve slammed the “end call” button sooner. He would’ve agreed go cover the shift anyways, not like he’d pass up a chance at, as Jon had so nicely put it, stalking Brendon. He works at the agency too, so in Ryan’s defense, he isn’t the only guilty party. The difference is Ryan was able to make his job fun. 

He sighed and rolled over in his bed, wondering what Brendon was doing. Probably going on a date with some hot guy. Yes, guy. Not only was his gaydar exemplar, he’d been watching the dude for at least a year and a half now. Ryan could tell these things. Maybe he should actually make plans instead of staying holed up in his house like a sad fuck. He buried his face in his pillow, letting himself drift off into sleep.

\----

“That’s where I draw the line.”

“But it-“

“I’m not a girl!” Brendon screeched. Fuck him if he was going to wear a skirt. Which, Brendon supposed, was the idea. 

“Isn’t that what gay dudes like? That whole girly thing?” Spencer asked. Brendon stared at him. “Okay, got it, damn,” he paused, “What about makeu-“

Brendon groaned.

\----

“Just so you know I’m still mad you lied to me about the restationing thing.”

“You love me. Now, remember, the shift ends at 8. Pete leaves at seven.” Jon winked. It didn’t make Ryan feel better. It just meant he had to be alone with all the office creeps. 

“I’m still holding you to the payback part!” Jon smiled at him before rushing towards the double doors. 

Ryan really couldn’t be more thankful that Jon’s cubicle was right next to his than at this moment. This chick couldn’t do anything illegal in the three hours that Ryan was covering. Of course, not monitoring her was illegal in itself, but Pete only came out of his office to complain about the air conditioning and to make more watered-down coffee. 

No later than 5:05, Ryan was comfortably seated in his own office chair, and pulling up his facecam. “Give that back you bi- Hi Ryan! I thought your shift ended at five?”

“‘M covering for my friend. Thought I’d check in on you. Hey Spencer.” Spencer waved awkwardly and bolted out of the frame. “That’s Spencer, right?”

Brendon nodded, pleased that Ryan had remembered his friend. “Alright. Was he here when I was talking to you five minutes ago?”

“...Maybe. Why are you covering your friend’s shift?” Ryan tried to ignore his nervous glances to the side and the whispered “Just do it, pussy” coming from somewhere to the left of the screen. “I’m not gonna fucking do it!” Brendon shouted. Ryan ignored that, too, which was a little weird, considering he said it right on screen. “Sorry! Okay, why are you covering your friend’s shift?”

As much as he liked talking to Brendon, 8 o’clock could not fucking come soon enough.

\----

“Oh my God, I told you, he’s back to normal now! We don’t need the glitter!” Brendon said. The one day he had more time to talk to Ryan, Spencer was there. 

“Well how else are you gonna seduce him? It certainly won’t be with your bitchy personality,” Spencer grumbled. “Why did he say he was covering that Jon dude’s shift again?”

“I dunno. Date with his girlfriend Cassie or somethin’. I need to take a nap.”

“Jon…” Spencer laughed, “Sounds like Jon Wa-“

“I got it! What if I made a fake online profile and got him to meet up with me?”

“That could work.”

\----

On days when Brendon wasn’t on his laptop much, Ryan had two options: monitor someone else’s computer like he was supposed to, or check his social media, and he definitely wasn’t about to do any work. The one time Pete had actually caught him on his Facebook instead of working, he made some lame excuse about it being who he was watching’s profile and all Pete did was shrug, scratch his ass, and walk away.

This time when he opens his Facebook, he has a request. When Ryan clicks on the profile, it doesn’t have any pictures. The only thing on it, really, is the name “Dick Luvr”. Declined.

“Aw, don’t wanna be friends with Dick Lover?” Fucking Jon. “Okay, I’m going out with Spencer tomorrow morning, so if I’m ten minutes late to my shift, don’t snitch and tell Pete.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Still have no clue who that is.”

\----

“Ryan! I have another job interview Monday. Since you’re here this time, I need your opinion on my outfit.” Ryan smiled at Brendon through the camera while Brendon flashed different shirts at him. Since his online alter ego didn’t work, the younger boy was resigned to charming Ryan the old fashioned way. Dick Luvr was a longshot anyways.

“Definitely the light blue,” Ryan said to him. 

“But last time it didn’t work!”

“Hey, the clothes aren’t everything! Maybe you’re not confident enough.”

Brendon quirked his eyebrow. “Like how?” 

Ryan laughed at him, “I dunno. Practice with me. I’ll pretend to be the interviewer.” 

Brendon put his best serious face on. He could do it. “Hello! I’m so excited that you guys are considering me for this position. My name’s Brendon Ur-“ His voice faded when he noticed Ryan looking off to the side of the camera.

“Ryan! Are you even listening to me?” Brendon pouted, hoping it would have some sort of effect on Ryan. 

“Yeah, sorry baby, I was-“ Ryan stopped himself. Of course. Of course Ryan was thinking about someone else while he was with him. Brendon was stupid to ever think he had a shot.

“What? Ryan? What are you thinking about?” Ryan’s face was pink, and Brendon was sure that his face was, too.

All Ryan did was stutter. So there was someone else.

“Okay, well… I’m gonna go hang out with Spencer or Audrey or something. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow or whatever.” Brendon shut the laptop and closed his eyes, letting out a long sigh.

\----

That was singlehandedly the most embarrassing thing that Ryan had done all year. Probably in his entire life. How did he accidentally just call who he was observing baby? In his defense, Ryan was thinking about Brendon’s pretty eyes and soft hair and full lips and… Jesus Christ. 

So that’s why he was in Pete’s office at the moment. “You don’t understand Pete, I need a new client. Just for today. That’s it!”

“Aren’t you the one wanting to bone Brandon anyways?” 

“Brendon. But I just need to switch it up a little bit.” Or he may have done something irredeemably embarrassing.

“Whatever, if you can get someone else to switch with you, then that’s on you and them.”

He could probably get Keltie to switch. Ryan was pretty sure she had a thing for him.

\----

Brendon groaned as the phone rang for a second time. Best friends were supposed to pick up on the first ring. 

“Spencer! You picked up! You will not believe what Ryan said to me. You know what he did? He was daydreaming about some other person during our video chat and he called me baby! It must’ve been directed at someone else, whoever he was daydreaming about. I thought I had a chance!”

“Or he could’ve been thinking about you. Don’t overanalyze it.” Brendon could feel Spencer rolling his eyes, even over the phone.

“I doubt it.” He could feel another eyeroll.

“Listen, Bren, how about you come to this party with me tomorrow? Try to get someone else’s dick for once.”

Brendon groaned into the phone. How could he try to get laid when all that occupied his brain was Ryan? “Fine. But there better be free beer.”

\----

As soon as he saw Jon approaching with that bitchy smirk on his face, Ryan was ready to walk out the door 5 minutes earlier than usual (which was about 10 minutes before he was actually supposed to leave). “I heard you call him baby! You really did that,” Jon could barely talk between fits of laughter. At least someone thought it was funny.

“Asshole. I gotta talk to him Monday, that’s gonna be fucking awkward. Keltie won’t switch with me forever.”

“You don’t have to. You’re not even supposed to be talking to him in the first place.”

Seriously, Ryan could not believe how dumb Jon was. “Not talking to him would be even more awkward if that’s even possible. Don’t want him to think I’m mad at him,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, whatever, keep being emo. Listen, Spencer, you know Spencer? He’s invited me to a party. Tomorrow night. You should come because nobody’s gonna notice if I sneak in one more person. Get some dick.”

“The guy you won’t tell me about besides the fact that he’s your friend? Yes, I know him. But no, I don’t wanna go to a shitty party with him. Thanks,” Ryan huffed out. His plans for that weekend consisted of sulking and probably sitting around for hours, wondering what he could’ve done differently. Wondering if Brendon thought he was a creep.

“Sure. I’m dragging you there tomorrow. Eight o’clock!” Jon yelled over his shoulder.

\----

“This was a stupid idea,” Brendon muttered into his beer bottle. “Why did I agree to this again?”

“Because you were being all depressed about Ryan? C’mon, it’s not that bad. You can hook up with someone else.”

“Dun wan’ someun else,” Brendon groaned.

“I hope you just said ‘I’m ready to stop being a fuckin’ buzzkill and enjoy partying like everyone else,’” Spencer teased.

“Oh, what the fuck are you looking at now? Hey, Jon’s over there. You stay here, and I’ll finally introduce you. So you can feel better or something.” Brendon didn’t reply, just stared straight ahead where Jon was walking towards them, followed by a boy who looked like he really didn’t want to be there. 

“Spencer, I’m really not drunk enough for this.”

“What? What’s wrong with- Wait? Is that him,” Spencer got a devious look in his eye. “Alright. Yeah. Hey, Jon, let me show you where the drinks are.”

Brendon could tell that Jon realized something, too.

“Wait, fucking, come back!”

“I’ll be right back,” Spencer called. 

“Alright, Ryan, you can go… meet… Brendon over there,” Jon threw Ryan a similar look and disappeared into the room. 

“H-Hey. So this is the first time we meet in person?” Brendon laughed out. He’s sure that he’s never said anything as forced as that sentence. “You want a drink? I’m gonna get you a drink. I’ll be right back,” Brendon hurried out.

He went towards what he thought was the kitchen, breathing heavy, and not just because the air was thick with cigarette smoke. Alright, he thought to himself. Alright, just get the awkward part over. Maybe Spencer was right! Maybe he was actually thinking of Brendon when he said baby. Okay.

He grabbed a beer without thinking and headed back out to greet Ryan again.

\----

“Okay, I hope you like this stuff, it’s really all they have here.” 

Ryan could not fucking believe this was actually happening. He didn’t really think he was in any state to reply. Nevertheless, he did anyways. “Yeah. It’ll work. Yep. Thanks.” He thought that he probably could’ve downed the drink a little slower. 

A few hours later, Ryan found himself still at the party. Huh. Time flies when you’re having fun (or quite possibly drinking too much). 

“Okay, okay, but you have to have a favorite serial killer! That’s like, totally normal,” he slurred out. He was sprawled across a couch, Brendon’s legs thrown over his, Brendon’s body leaning against the opposite end of the couch.

“You’re funny when you’re drunk,” Brendon giggled.

“You’re drunk too!” He laughed back. This was funny. Running into who he watches all day by chance? That’s funny. That’s so goddamn funny right now. 

“I don’t know a lot of them. Maybe, like, Marilyn Manson?” 

“That’s an actress from the 50’s, dumbass,” Ryan said playfully. Brendon frowned. No. No, no no no no. Ryan sat up so he was facing Brendon, and tucked Brendon’s hair behind his ear. “No I’m joking,” Ryan frowned back at him. “I’m joking, baby.”

Brendon laughed at him, “You’re so funny, sweetheart.” Ryan laughed with him. 

“Yeah, yeah, come over here, honey. Let me kiss you,” Ryan giggled again because everything was just so funny.

\----

“How the fuck did we not realize this earlier? This better count as payback for Ryan covering my shift that one time.” Jon told Spencer. 

“Don’t know, but probably one of those things we should’ve realized sooner.” Both of them were looking at the two of their friends, passed out on the couch, limbs tangled together. “I mean, if you meet in real life, I don’t think your agency can do anything about that, can they?”

Jon smiled. “Nope.”

**Author's Note:**

> um i might write more of this idk it depends on how well this does cause like it could go either way with a second chapter or not but for now this is it


End file.
